Christine

 I'm feeling depressed about my (potentially) lost love. Can you miss a car you never had? Never drove? Never even sat in? Yes. Most emphatically yes. I was already picking out a name for it. I'm a namer, I like to name things. Hell, I've named other people's cars! Nearly every piece of tech I own has a name. It's a little weird but whatever, don't judge it.

 So I think because of my car-depression I should write about one of my favorite car movies ever. Christine (Special Edition)  Based on Christine (Signet) by Stephen King. It's a love story really, about a boy and his car. His psychotic killer car. Our hero Arnie is a geek (hmm I'm noticing a trend in my movie's heroes) with one friend named Dennis. Anyway Arnie is bullied in shop class, but as it happens, today a teacher catches it in action. The bully Buddy (oh the irony) is pissed! Later that day as Dennis is driving him home, Arnie spots a beat up wreck by side of the road. It's a total piece. But Arnie sees nothing but potential. He's asks the creepy owner about it, he's told (creepily) that the car is a Plymouth Fury. And that she has a name. Christine. Arnie buys Christine on the spot. A sales pitch like that? Who wouldn't? When he gets Christine home he catches hell from his parents. How dare he buy a car with his own money?! For the first time ever Arnie stands up for himself, he's keeping her whether they like or not. So there! They tell him he's not keeping that bucket on their lawn. So he takes it to a junkyard garage to store it. Then with blood, sweat, and tears Arnie restores Christine to her former glory. Which, somehow, makes him way less nerdy. Which leads to Arnie getting a lady, Leigh Cabot, the new girl and total babe.
 After dating a bit Leigh tells Arnie that she doesn't like his car, that it gives her the creeps. (Gasp.) While at the drive-in. In a storm. Sitting in Christine. Clearly she doesn't have the best timing. Suddenly the windshield wipers get stuck, he jumps out to fix them, the radio turns itself on, Leigh begins to choke on her hamburger, and the doors have locked. Arnie tries to get in but its use. Luckily Leigh manages to get her door open and a Heimlic maneuver from a stranger. She blames the car. Says she's not riding in Christine anymore. Ever. I mean the radio only plays old songs. How weird is that Arnie? After Arnie leaves Christine at the garage Buddy the Bully and his group of hood friends sneak in and DESTROY her. With crowbars, knives, screwdrivers, bats... well you get the idea. It's hard to watch. When Arnie sees her its so sad. Leigh however doesn't seem too broken up about it IMHO and Arnie agrees. He loses it on her. Tells her this is what she wanted! To get rid of Christine! He gets very emo there. He tells all the haters that he WILL fix Christine and all will be right with the world again. "Whoa, whoa. You better watch what you say about my car. She's real sensitive."
So down to the garage he goes. There while assuring Christine that he'll fix her no matter what, he hears a strange sound. The mangled engine rights itself. Instead of calling for a young priest and an old priest Arnie simply says "Ok... Show me." Christine pop 'n' locks herself to a like new condition. And then its time for revenge, the murderous rampage begins. Finally its time for Christine to seek and destroy. She chases one kid all over hell's half acre, she could have caught at any moment but she enjoyed the chase too much. She crushes him against a wall when she's done playing with him. Next she burns down a gas station with two baddies inside. Then runs Buddy down as he tries to escape the burning building. Leigh and Dennis notice a change in Arnie, and they're not too pleased with it. They decide the only way to save him is to destroy Christine. With a bulldozer (which luckily Dennis knows how to hotwire and drive!). Time for the show down  Dennis in the bulldozer vs Arnie in Christine. It doesn't end well for Arnie, I'm afraid, he's thrown through Christine's windshield and impaled by a shard of glass. With his last bit of strength, he reaches out and strokes Christine's grille. Her headlights shutting off was enough to make ya cry. But remembering that those damn kids were the reason Arnie was dead, she went after them again. They use the bulldozer to crush her down to little itty bitty pieces, the whole time Christine's radio is playing 'Rock and Roll Will Never Die'. Cut to Leigh and Dennis (and a cop I didn't mention) looking at a large metal cube in the junkyard. Zoom in on her grille starting to fix itself. The End.

This is the longest review I've done yet. Shows how much I just adore love stories.